I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
