I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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