someone threw a dead crab at me
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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