why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
