Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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