i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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