I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
