I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
