Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
