Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
