sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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