I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
