For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize