I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
