I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
