There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
