His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
