I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
