I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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