the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your cock deserves a montage
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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