i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
