It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize