moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
