Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
