I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
