my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
