Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize