I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
