I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
