Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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