The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
