Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
