He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're too hungover to prance.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
