dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
