First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
