And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize