Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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