a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
