Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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