Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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