Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
