I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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