I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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