She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
