I can text with my tongue
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
