One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
