As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
