I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
