I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
