What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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