Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
