New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
