i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
