Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
