Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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