If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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